Well, son of a biscuit eater. If I would have gotten off my blessed assurance yesterday and came over here, I would have gotten to see this friggin thing when it was posted, and might have been darn-well first. Shittola.
These days, if I want to cuss, I just freakin’ cuss, but dagnabbit before, you might as darn well know that I used my share of those stupid-as-hades psuedo-cuss words.
But, good night, what’s a fundy to flippin do when you want to foppin express yourself and you just can’t worth a Shih Tzu?
“you just can’t worth a Shih Tzu?”
I have GOT to use that some time! I have a Shih Tzu, I’ll use it next time he gets out of the yard or tips the trash can over….
At my FU there was this very prim and proper girl who used “holy shiboykins” (sp???) She said it quite often, until I asked her if she knew what the first part sounded like. She goes, “Holy shi— ” She never said it again.
Just remember, when you cross a bulldog with a shih-tzu, you get a … do I really need to finish that?
Very creative post, Natalie. I loved your comment
well “jeans and creeps, and some of it itches”
never heard the shi-tzu translation before.
The ways that language changes between cultures is also interesting.
Years ago, a missionary shared the following story with me. He was at a service in Australia, and his wife was sick. He simply told the congregation that his wife was “under the weather.” The congregation looked shocked, so he immediately retorted “but she’s perking up now.” At that point the pastor of the church (who had spent time in the US) got up and told the guy, “In Australia, ‘under the weather’ means that she is slobbering drunk, and ‘perking up’ means that she is throwing up.”
I heard that same exact story. I wonder if it was the same missionary…
Also worth noting is that the Australians I’ve asked about it tell me that “under the weather” means the same thing over there as it does here.
I remember two stories from Australia. One was that a missionary from the states was in Australia and he’d had a great meal with his hosts. Afterward he said, “I’m stuffed!” and they laughed at him because to them stuffed meant pregnant.
In another story a woman from the states had gotten a hotel room and the bellboy asked if she wanted him to knock her up in the morning. Which meant to give her a wake up call or knock on the door to wake her up but of course to her that meant to get her pregnant. I think in either situation I’d be laughing my head off. I’d have to warn that bellboy not to say that to any woman from the states! LOL
That’s a hen of a funny picture.
When my grandmother (Pentecostal pastor’s wife) was frustrated, she would roll her eyes toward heaven and exclaim, “merciful Father above..” The older I get, the more I find myself doing the exact same thing…
Well shut the front door and shiboleth. That made my morning. Good job you cheeky blighter.
(I still say that)
I heard my aunt exclaim “well, sugar!” a lot. Any exclamation that begins with an “s” is just a substitute for shit.
My cousin goes a step further and says, “Sugar Honey Iced Tea.”
Our family sometimes said “sugarjets”, a cereal from the 60’s.
My mom liked the phrase “I don’t give a flying fig!”
I have a friend who says “Cheese and Rice.”
A few days ago I overheard a guy at my work explain to another coworker that he uses “Cheese and Rice” as a stand in for “Jesus H. Christ”.
I have always wondered what the H. stands for…
Actually it stands for “Holy”
I had a Spanish teacher in high school that used to say “Jeezy Creezy light n’ breezy.” Never heard that one from anybody else.
“Easy peasy, lemon squeezee.”
I saw a documentary on the History Channel. It claimed it was the Puritians who created the concept of profanity, the idea that certain words were sinful. Of course most of these words were related to sex.
A phonic sound that might be a “swear” word in the English language might be an acceptable word in another.
With fundies Ethnic slurs were acceptable. I can remember a fundie evangelist dropping the n-bomb at my church.
I am for free speech, but Christians should be less obsessed with George Carlin’s “7 Words you Can’t Say on Television” and more concerned with the hateful speech that dehumanizes people like; heathen, fool, unsaved trash, liberal, catolick, holy rollers, queer, etc…
I don’t think Puritans invented the concept of profanity. I know that in Spanish, there are curse words, such as “mierda” (shit), for which there are euphemisms, such as “miercoles” (Wednesday).
Ah, yes, the Fundy thought that “liberal” is somehow bad. Like, if you are a “liberal” in any way you got to change to be a true Chistian!
I’ve also heard some folks saying “oh hells bells” when they acidentally slip and say hell.
“Shitake mushrooms” was another of our favorites that couldn’t get condemned by the fundy school teachers.
My eldest brother came back from his first year at Fundy U with a cool list of words:
Got dandruff! Some of it itches!
Cheese and rice!
Son of your mother!
And so on…
Those are pretty good. I like Got dandruff! Some of it itches! and Got damage!
Funny how those are okay, but we couldn’t even say “GOSH” or “GEE” because they were “euphemisms.”
My younger brother came back from the Bill Rice Ranch many years ago with this:
GOT DOWN off my horse,
Stepped in a pile of SHIFTIN’sand,
Picked up a DAMP stick
and beat the HEALTH outta that horse!
“Son of a mother” is still one of my favorites
In chapel one time the speaker started to say, “We’re not going to have any more of that sh**,” and caught himself in mid-word. It came out, “shbloney.”
When I arrived at my Fundy College back in the late 70’s, I noticed everyone said “stink”. I had never heard that before and I thought it sounded stupid. I never once used it, but it was funny to watch the freshman come in every year and begin to say that word. I still think it’s stupid.
I also can’t stand the expression “oh my word” what the heck does that even mean?? People sound so stupid when they say that.
I know someone who uses that constantly, along with “stink”. She even posts the shorthand on Facebook, using OMW. I still think it’s stupid.
We weren’t allowed to use any slang words, but my parents swore whenever they were angry (often). Any form of God or Jesus’ names earned soap in the mouth. We could say rats, oh my word, oh my land and stink.
Once my mom almost slapped me for saying my own name under my breath when I was frustrated with something I had just done. She said it sounded like “dammit”.
Now I laugh when my 6 yo daughter says, “What the heck?”, tells her brother to pick up his crap (legos) and when she told my husband to “shut the damn door” when he checked on her in the shower. lol (She learned THAT one from my FIL.)
Our former pastor’s son taught my son to say “bull shoot”. We put an end to that. Stupid Christian school kid.
What on earth? and crud were ok, too.
Curtesy of the kind folks a Bible Believers Baptist Church in Jacksonville, FL. Glad we only visited once.
I will be sure to avoid that particular one once I go church hunting….
This isn’t fundy-related as far as I know…but my late mom told me this anecdote once. She was a working-class Irish kid from Southie (South Boston), but she always had social and intellectual aspirations “beyond her station” as they used to say. When we moved from our urban Irish ghetto in Dorchester, Mass., to a suburban town some 20 miles away, my mom joined the League of Women Voters. The mostly well-heeled members would hold regular meetings in each others’ homes. At one meeting, another League member was venting about some impossible situation, which apparently exasperated her. “You’re darned if you do,” she said, “and you’re darned if you don’t.” My mom, brought up in a salty-tongued Irish-American family, thought this was hilarious. For years afterward, her idea of “too-preciously-proper-for-words” was “You’re darned if you do, and you’re darned if you don’t.” Of the woman in question, she liked to say, “Butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth.” Yep, that was my mom for ya.
I didn’t go to Fundy U but I did go to FU (local Greenvillians will know what that is.) Tony Campollo gave a sermon during chapel where he said (and I’m paraphrasing), “There are millions of starving people in the world, and most of you don’t give a shit about it. In fact, most of you are more upset that I just said the word ‘shit’ than are upset about those starving people.”
It made an impression on me. I’ve heard him use that line in other sermons, though, so it’s part of his stock repertoire.
My old pastor used that same line recently (maybe not for starving people, but for something he thought we should give a shit about.) I guess that was just one more thing he stole.
“You buncha farging ice holes! You cork socking sunny beaches! Ima gonna fork you up you piece of shirt!”
My mother said that to me…. once.
I had another pseudo-swear to add, but after reading Don’s comment aloud, my mind melted down from the juxtaposition of implied cursing + the actual words used.
Ahh, a “Johnny Dangerously” reference.
After looking up Johnny Dangerously on IMDB, I don’t feel so bad not getting the reference. I was 6 when that movie was released. I did queue it up on Netflix, so I shan’t be ignorant much longer.
Kids today have it so easy with textspeak. They can put WTF or FML on their facebook, and their fundy parents will think it means “Wow, that’s fantastic” or “forgot my lunch.”
My parents, both fundy most of their lives until just recently, say “What the Sam Hill?” Said real fast it doesn’t come out Hill. I had to ask them when they started swearing for them to tell me what they actually were saying at which point I said, “Why don’t you just say ‘Hell’?”
Actually I kinda like “Sam Hill”, sounds like a desperado’s name.
I was at the emergency room with my wife in Lubbock Tx. I had on my Manchester United jersey. The sweetest looking little lady said in the nicest English accent “thats my club I have been following them since I was a little girl in Manchester. I never could stand those f**k ing Manchester City c**ts.” My mom who had a Phd in history, and an masters in English always pointed out swear words where a puritan and victorian invention. At home I didnt have off limits words. out of respect I never take the Lords name in vain
Husband’s current favorite: douchewaffle.
OhmyWORD that one made me laugh out loud. For REALZ!
My personal favorite swear is “Oh, Bugger!” The Brits even swear with class.
You’re all full of “Shipoopi!”
With this one I think that I’ll quit
If any of you have been offended
Go stick your head in a barrel of
Shaving Cream, be nice and clean shave everyday and you’ll always look keen.
A classic! My parents played this record all the time when I was little. Of course I didn’t get the joke till years later…
The other one was taken down:
Never liked this song on a personal level, but oh how I do get the point, hee hee hee.
One I use a lot is “Chaos!”
You should check out the Penn and Teller “Bullshit!” episode that deals with cursing. It’s on YouTube. In it, there is a woman who is a driving instructor who is on a mission to get rid of profanity. She has even taught her students to replace the bird with some weird hand signal! LOL! Stupid!
I think I saw that one! Didn’t she use both hands to make a “turkey”? Instead of flipping the bird, she went more literal…and stupid. For one thing, to do it she had to take her hands off the wheel…great driving instructor! Plus, the hand gesture just looked ridiculous.
As a kid we used Fart Blossom and Dookie-Bomb.
How about Tennessee Crotch Cricket or Arkinsas Barking Spider?
One of my college roommates was a genuine preacher’s daughter, and my mother was a kindergarten teacher. So right before we went back home, we practiced saying “SFDP” in lieu of saying “Shit Fuck Damn Piss.” (The P throws people off.)
Also, I grew up in a very Finnish community, so that’s how I get away with saying “shit” at work without anyone knowing.
My grandmother used to say,”Land-O Goshen!”
When I saw the header for this, I thought of the list of curses from Farscape, (frell, dren, Hezmata, tralc) before remembering my misspent fundy youth. I kid you not, there was an issue with the phrase “Mother Fuddrucker’s!”
Ok, i’m done. And I don’t give a good gorram about it, either.
Thumbs up for the Firefly reference!!
I watched every season of Farscape on Netflicks in just a few short weeks. I seriously started saying stuff like “frelling dren” when I’d usually use some other colorful metaphor. I still say what the frell sometimes. Great show.
We seriously giggled everytime we said we were going to Fuddrucker’s.
Kevin Roose (author of the Unlikely Disciple) said that while he was trying to blend in with the students at Liberty University, he read a book that recommended substituting swear words with words that glorified God. He baffled his new LU peers by saying things that “Mercy!” and “Glory Be!” instead of the sit-com versions of swear words that everyone else used.
A couple of my favorites:
Shishcafiddles and Horsekaflops
Bovine Recycled Hay!
In baseball practice they use a “fungo” bat for hitting balls to fielders. So I used to hear “What the fungo?”
Son of a Baptist!
Minced oath rap (from flight of the conchords):
“I’m the mother flippin’ Rhymenocerous”
A fundy-lite coworker of mine (who coincidentally isn’t the brightest bulb) uses the rather unusual euphemism “Damnation!”
I want to tell her she’s doing it wrong, but I don’t know how.
Maybe get her a dictionary? Damnation isn’t a euphemism at all, but in fact means “the act of damning or the state of being damned.”
Not cussing, but I have an acquaintance who is try to stop using “god” flippantly. I crack up every time I hear, “Oh, God…bless America! ”
My favorite has always been “Oh, shittake mushrooms!”
Isn’t that from *Spy Kids*? LOL, need to re-watch that…great movie.
“Hot Spit” -former fundie school principal that I used to work with.
How about the over-use of certain phrases in some fundie preaching, such as “God Help” or “Bless God”?
couple i have heard (not by a fundy but someone trying hard to maintain no profanity in the office setting: God…bless America! and Oh Sh..ugar!!
I heard a whole sermon preached on substitute swear words in a pentecostal church. The gist of it was that the substitute words were as bad as the real thing.
I got in trouble in fifth grade by a substitute teacher (pretty sure she was a fundy). My crime..saying JEEZ.
Cripes was also on our list of no say words.
I don;t think we could say holy cow, either.
This was at a public school in 79 or 80. She did not last long as our long term substitute. A little strict, that lady was…
Remember several “checkable” curse words friends came up with from my BJU days. A couple of my favorites:
What the purgatory?
Son of a Boj! (had to be from BJU to know what “Boj” means…)
And of course the typical Crud, Stink, What in the World, What the Cosmos, etc.
I used to yell, “Curses and bad words!” often in college. I got some odd looks, but I thought it was entertaining.
My brother-in-law (who later attended the same college) said that he was in a class where the teacher was telling them words they couldn’t say and said, “We don’t say T-U-R-D or C-A-R-P”. Good thing they could still use crap.
Dear me, this has been fun, not to mention educational, on words one is not suppoed to say. And I have used/heard more than a few of the ones featured here.
I recall our old school principal boasting he would never ever eat at the Golly Gee, a local burger/ice cream joint. FWIW, the food there was terrible anyway, so that was no sacrifice.
We weren’t allowed to use the “f” word. No, not *that* “f” word: the “f” word that references flatulence. We also weren’t allowed to use the “p” word. You know, the “p” word that refers to urine? Yeah.
I’m almost 40, have the mouth of a sailor, and I still cannot bring myself to use those words.
One time when the preacher of the church I used to go to came across a passage in the Bible that said, “pisseth against the wall,” he said “goeth” instead. I wondered before how he would handle that.
In advanced accounting at BJ, the late Jim Martin told us of his trip to cambodia and how glad he was at the airport to see KFC and Pizza Hut because he was tired of eating that [native]crap. Any of you who knew him – like me – miss him.
Popular in my tenure were “what the mess”, “what in the WORLD” and, among my Omega brothers, “covered with corn”. (An oblique scatalogical reference owing to the indigestible nature of maize).
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